Two Occasions

When my mother was feeling particularly energetic she would dance around the house in circles. She would dance to all the 80's classics, Whitney, Teena Marie, Baby Face and others. I loved to watch her move effortlessly around the house as she glided across the floor. I was amazed by her natural grace and movements. In secret I would copy her and dance in front of the mirror. She once caught me and smiled and said, "You are your mothers daughter". I was so proud of myself that I could be at least half as good as she was. While we had a very complicated relationship I always cherished her visits and never wanted her to leave. She once took me on an extended stay with her on a weekend visit when I was about 5 years old. She kept me for a couple months instead of the normal weekend visit. My Granny worried and sent people to look for me but somehow didn't manage to locate me or even think to call someone for help. On my stay with her she mostly dropped me off with friends. I remember staying with an old white man who was clearly an alcoholic. He always took me with him to his regular bar and I ate burgers in my own private booth, pretty fancy stuff for a 5 year old. He was harmless and was only doing my mother a favor, he always made sure I was fed during my short visits. I look back and think, thank god he was not some sort of pedophile. I still can't remember his name but remember his head full of white hair and he always wore a beanie. She eventually came to her senses and dropped me back off with my Granny. She would always visit randomly and usually with gifts in tote. On my 7th birthday and the whole day had gone by and no one remembered or acknowledged the day. Not a big deal now but to a 7 year old this was a very huge deal. She came in around 5 pm with a cake and a lime green and hot pink dress. As soon as I saw her I knew she had remembered and jumped up with joy. She made me my favorite dish, Macaroni and Cheese. The day always stays with me. She felt wanted and needed that day like a mother should. She had few of these moments but when she did her face lit up and these are the times I cherished most, her smile. I sometimes see her shadow on the floor dancing effortlessly across the room and my heart flutters when I imagine her presence near me.  

The First Taste

My Uncle Frankie would play this song first thing in the mornings. He would walk around the house with only his underwear on (Remember those burgundy tight ones?). He was usually on the phone with friends sitting on the toilet and telling them, "Yeah can you believe this B**** is white", referring to Fiona Apple's soulful vocal talent playing loudly in the background. He was so carefree frolicking about the house doing his two step to Fiona Apple.  Damn the 90's seem so much cooler than this post 9/11 hysteria twilight zone we currently live in.

Nene and Only One

I grew up with my uncle Frankie's kids, you know the uncle that would rip off all my doll heads and taunt me with their burned carcasses. He had 4 children 3 boys and one girl. His oldest two boys Nene and Only One as he called them were cute little trouble makers from the start. They once ganged up on me when they were about 3 and 4 years old and attacked me with shoes and hangers. I beat that ass later when I man handled the 4 year old to the ground and held him in a wresting pose ( I was 17 at the time) I might have drop kicked the 3 year old. They would beg to come in my room so I could tell them stories and play dress up (Yes these boys loved to play dress up). Nene always had a shaved head big brown eyes and olive skin. He would love to do karate moves and he would hate when I called him Xena Warrior Princess and yell "I yayayayaya". Only One had a straight bowl cut hair style with the same big brown eyes and olive skin. When they looked at you, you couldn't help but melt. I once caught them both with my pet fish in their mouths. I was so upset as they killed Lenny and Phil but then they looked at me with those big brown eyes,  I melted ( I think I still kicked Only One in the butt). When Frankie passed away suddenly they were lost and heartbroken. I did my best to stay apart of their lives but it seemed the more I tried the less they responded. They became teenagers in Richmond, CA and were associated with a family with a not so pleasant past. They found themselves paying for mistakes they didn't make but rather my brothers, cousins, and uncles made. They were forced to make decisions many wouldn't understand if you did not grow up in that environment. Imagine seeing your mother held at gun point, or being placed in hand cuffs in a house raid before your were 10 years old. I had gone through all of it and witnessed it all first hand and wanted so desperately to keep them from the life that entices you to "Try to make a dolla out of 15 cents". I scolded my brothers and cousins to keep Frankie's kids safe. I mean this is the uncle that was more like a brother who saw more in me and wanted more for me and would do the same for his children. I felt lost and confused that it seemed no one wanted to protect them from this life. I would hear stories and get calls from the Nene and Only One about getting into trouble and even being shot at and doing the same to protect themselves. I wait for the call when they tell me they are not coming back from the things they have done or have been done to them. Recently they are both serving time for very serious charges and pray that they are set free and are able to one day see what I see in them the handsome sweet, intelligent, giving young men they are and the men their father wanted them to be. I love you always Nene and Only One and you will always be the little boys I man handled when I was 17 years old (remember that? Yeah I thought so sucka).