Corrina, Corrina.

As I become a mother I cannot help to think of mine, Corrina. She was strong, confident, loud, angry, sweet, shy, kindhearted all at once.  Corrina encompassed so many moods and personalities at times it was difficult to know which Corrina you were going to get. but this was the excitement of it all being a daughter of such a dynamic human being. For many years I viewed Corrina through this singular microscope. She simply scared the hell out of me.  She was usually intoxicated and probably breaking down windows and asking for change. I didn't realize she was masking much pain and hurt she experienced through childhood and in her adult life. She would often come to the Forty Flags (The roach motel I grew up) fully intoxicated demanding to have her children back. Police would often be called and they would sometimes ask if we wanted to go with our clearly intoxicated mother. I am not sure if there were doing this make her shut up or maybe it was the fact that they were also concerned a group of children who were clearly high off soda, candy and chili cheese hotdogs from the local 7-11 and were living in a roach motel in a small room. As I got older I got to see how complex of a person Corrina was. While she had her demons she also was one of the kindest people you would ever encounter. She would sometimes bring families over for dinner uninvited because they had no food or she would remember events when everyone else forgot, she would yell at people who were being jerks to others and to yell at complete strangers takes courage. I once saw her take a weapon from a man and beat him with it as she was protecting another. She would also share her talent for dance and we would all praise her natural grace as she glided across the floor. We often had dance competitions and she would get pretty upset when I would come out victorious (I sometimes would have to pretend to lose-She was such a sore loser). Corrina had a pretty rough childhood. Her mother was often absent and she was left alone with an abusive father. She left home at 12 and had 4 children by the age of 19. I was her fourth child out of five total and her only daughter. She once told me she hated me when I was born. I was pretty hurt and confused by that statement but I didn't put the pieces together until later in life. Corrina was afraid I would have to struggle as she did and experience some of her struggles she could not escape until her death. I often wish I can go back and tell her I acknowledge her pain and struggle and have no resentment or pain left in my heart for her. I somehow think she got this message already as I lay with her before she passed. I lay there with her as she held my hand with all the strength she had left and she would look up at me to acknowledge my presence there with her. I got to be there as her spirit left this earth permanently grasping my hand until she was no longer with me.  I cannot believe soon I will be able to bring life into this world as she did and I would have to be responsible for another life beside my own. I know Corrina would be proud and also probably try and make my child prank call local pizzeria's as she have us do from time to time demanding a refund for a non-existent pizza order in which hair from an undisclosed body part was found. Corrina, Corrina I miss you everyday and wish you were here to see this day. (She hated being called mom--she refused it and requested we call her Corrina and I often called her Mommy Dearest. The phrase made famous by the film about the abusive actress Joan Crawford).