It's been a long time coming...

What more appropriate lyrics to quote than Sam Cooke's, "A change is gonna come" for not only the current mood of the world but my life.  Thoughts of feeling overwhelmed, stressed, alone, unaware, and sadness has me in the dumps lately. How do you begin to reconcile these feelings when there is also so much joy, love and gratitude that surrounds me.

First lets start with the love and a little sadness; lately I have been spending a lot more time with the woman who raised me and known to everyone who know's her, "Granny". I may have talked a bit about Granny in my earlier post but to recap she is short, strong, angry and my protector. She was the madam of the Forty Flags Motel in the late  1980's through late 1990's. 

Granny now 78 years old and barely mobile shows the signs of her hard life. She started working in the Mississippi fields at the age of 5 and eventually ran away to California with her abusive and child molesting prince charming.  She was the pillar of the family, the worker and the person we all come to rely on.

Now, holding her up over the toilet as she's barely able to muster up the energy to drag her feet to get to the seat in time she urinates on the floor and me. She looks up at me in embarrassment and I looking back at her reminding myself to keep calm and stare back at her with compassion and understanding and rather than anger or disgust as the urine drips from my feet.

During her stay I tried to ask her questions about her life and she mostly answered with regret, regret she never got to go to school, learn to read, leave her husband or save her children from addiction and death.  Her overwhelming love for her children and grandchildren kept her working and providing. Her soft touch and temperament came from her own experience with abuse and telling herself she would choose love and kindness instead but at the same time stab anyone who crosses her. Her life reminded me of why I love her so much but sadness for her vulnerability, regrets and loss in life. I hope I can continue to spend more time, as we all will become a distant memory in this world.

Overwhelmed and stressed, I just got a promotion and while this has been the high of my career I am not totally sure I can manage. Self doubt and feelings of stress often feels all consuming. Do I change this shit diaper, get dinner on the table or complete this report in time? I'm sure all moms understand the feeling of wanting it all but also not knowing how to juggle because you are not a professional fucking juggler. Who willingly signs up for this shit? But we are here now so lets get it done I guess is the attitude of getting by.

Unaware, I don't know anything honestly. I feel out of the loop with the latest if it doesn't directly affect my life. I feel like I have always wanted to be impactful in this world and a strong believer you get what you give but lately feeling I don't have much to offer. Here take this baby for 5 minutes, I promise they haven't shat their pants. I'm not that ultra hip Latina who is all, "Viva la Raza", instead I'm more average slightly chistosa and slightly awkward one that doesn't physically stand in the crowds to make change but just passively tells people they are wrong. I use to tell people to fuck off quite often but don't have the energy to be that political or combative anymore. I'm basically the person showing up late to the punchline of life but still laughs to fit in but totally obvious I'm just faking it. And forget about the latest trends and keeping up this impossible standard of beauty. I don't care about your butt squats or diets, politely fuck off cause ain't nobody got time for that. 

Joy and gratitude. Looking at the little feet of the New Thang I think gosh how did I get so lucky to have such a sweet little boy and honestly all my 3 really adorable children. If you are up to speed with this blog you know growing up and coming where I'm from it truly amazes me how far I have come. I am the fucking gentrifier, but does it count if you were once the underserved? Crazy right? One day you live in a roach infested motel with ladies of the night, dope fiends and pimps and the next you are in the hottest up and coming suburb where whites feel threatened the very social fabric of what makes "their" America great is coming to an end. No more separate but equal assholes, we are now moving in. I really do get pleasure from being able to actually walk into a store without feeling I don't belong. While I still look ragged and have vomit on my shirt, this time it's by choice baby! Middle finger to you lady who thought I would make a great housecleaner.

More love. The warm embrace and soft kiss of my beautiful husband who not as often as he once did, still does remind me I am beautiful and the love of his life. My 3 little monsters that call me mom and tug at my shirt to get them milk, candy, toys, scream in my ear and often slap me but at the same time hug me the tightest and are my biggest cheerleaders in life. This is everything I need to feel safe, encouraged and keep it moving. If you find yourself alone, find another source of comfort with friends, family or whatever will make think you are worth fighting for because in the famous words of fictional character Stuart Smalley who is not a license therapist (Look this dude up), "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!"