I will follow him

Stamps

When I was younger I dreaded my Granny asking me to go to the corner store. I would first make sure it was not food stamps she was sending me with but if it was I would always try and come up with an excuse any excuse to avoid using the dreaded "Stamps". Damn those food stamps marked all over the place with the phrase "Food Coupon" and highlighted in bright red, purple, and brown so others know you are poor and receiving welfare assistance. There I would be tightly holding the crumbled stamp in my hand so no one could see it and at the very end I would pull it out  and toss it to the store keeper. I use to wait to the store was cleared to make my purchase. Sometimes the store owner would bust me out and say, "Paying with food stamps?" and I would awkwardly hand over the crumbled bill. My worst fear was running into a classmate. I was faced with this fear one afternoon as I walked the aisles at the corner store I saw a classmate. There he was buying candy and soda and he said, "Hello". I thought he couldn't possibly be paying with stamps and he already noticed me so I had to wait for him to leave. I wandered around aimlessly already having the items I came for in hand. The store owner kept hassling me, "Are you ready?" My face would turn bright red, "No" I replied. I waited behind the end of the line once I saw him go up to the counter. When I saw him pull out the dreaded stamps I nearly laughed out loud and was relieved not to be the only one. In reality most of the kids at my school had public assistance and there was only one girl in the entire school who took her own lunch. We made fun of her oblivious that there was a reason she brought her own lunch and we all got free ones from the school. Once he left the store and I was in the clear I paid with my Food Stamps and and thought to myself, poor kid had to pay with Food Stamps and how embarrassed he must have felt. They now have a debit card so you don't have to deal with all the stigma that comes with the stamps but I still hear cashiers say, "EBT?", which is the electronic benefit transfer which is another term for food stamps. I don't understand the need to shout out the type of payment someone is using as long as they are paying for the the items. I am obviously hyper sensitive to this issue since I was forced to use the ugly colorful stamps that looked like some game board money. Damn you Food Stamps, damn you! I must say when I was a child the 1st of the month could never come around fast enough and our biggest worry was that someone might steal the check. I once chased my mother down the street for the check as she pulled up with her boyfriend at the time as the mail man was coming to take our check. My Granny shouted,  "Get her she has the check". If you can imagine 5 kids under the age of 12 (Including uncle Frankie who was around 11 at the time) chasing a grown woman in a car with an adult male driver leaving a motel.

Two Occasions

When my mother was feeling particularly energetic she would dance around the house in circles. She would dance to all the 80's classics, Whitney, Teena Marie, Baby Face and others. I loved to watch her move effortlessly around the house as she glided across the floor. I was amazed by her natural grace and movements. In secret I would copy her and dance in front of the mirror. She once caught me and smiled and said, "You are your mothers daughter". I was so proud of myself that I could be at least half as good as she was. While we had a very complicated relationship I always cherished her visits and never wanted her to leave. She once took me on an extended stay with her on a weekend visit when I was about 5 years old. She kept me for a couple months instead of the normal weekend visit. My Granny worried and sent people to look for me but somehow didn't manage to locate me or even think to call someone for help. On my stay with her she mostly dropped me off with friends. I remember staying with an old white man who was clearly an alcoholic. He always took me with him to his regular bar and I ate burgers in my own private booth, pretty fancy stuff for a 5 year old. He was harmless and was only doing my mother a favor, he always made sure I was fed during my short visits. I look back and think, thank god he was not some sort of pedophile. I still can't remember his name but remember his head full of white hair and he always wore a beanie. She eventually came to her senses and dropped me back off with my Granny. She would always visit randomly and usually with gifts in tote. On my 7th birthday and the whole day had gone by and no one remembered or acknowledged the day. Not a big deal now but to a 7 year old this was a very huge deal. She came in around 5 pm with a cake and a lime green and hot pink dress. As soon as I saw her I knew she had remembered and jumped up with joy. She made me my favorite dish, Macaroni and Cheese. The day always stays with me. She felt wanted and needed that day like a mother should. She had few of these moments but when she did her face lit up and these are the times I cherished most, her smile. I sometimes see her shadow on the floor dancing effortlessly across the room and my heart flutters when I imagine her presence near me.  

The First Taste

My Uncle Frankie would play this song first thing in the mornings. He would walk around the house with only his underwear on (Remember those burgundy tight ones?). He was usually on the phone with friends sitting on the toilet and telling them, "Yeah can you believe this B**** is white", referring to Fiona Apple's soulful vocal talent playing loudly in the background. He was so carefree frolicking about the house doing his two step to Fiona Apple.  Damn the 90's seem so much cooler than this post 9/11 hysteria twilight zone we currently live in.

Nene and Only One

I grew up with my uncle Frankie's kids, you know the uncle that would rip off all my doll heads and taunt me with their burned carcasses. He had 4 children 3 boys and one girl. His oldest two boys Nene and Only One as he called them were cute little trouble makers from the start. They once ganged up on me when they were about 3 and 4 years old and attacked me with shoes and hangers. I beat that ass later when I man handled the 4 year old to the ground and held him in a wresting pose ( I was 17 at the time) I might have drop kicked the 3 year old. They would beg to come in my room so I could tell them stories and play dress up (Yes these boys loved to play dress up). Nene always had a shaved head big brown eyes and olive skin. He would love to do karate moves and he would hate when I called him Xena Warrior Princess and yell "I yayayayaya". Only One had a straight bowl cut hair style with the same big brown eyes and olive skin. When they looked at you, you couldn't help but melt. I once caught them both with my pet fish in their mouths. I was so upset as they killed Lenny and Phil but then they looked at me with those big brown eyes,  I melted ( I think I still kicked Only One in the butt). When Frankie passed away suddenly they were lost and heartbroken. I did my best to stay apart of their lives but it seemed the more I tried the less they responded. They became teenagers in Richmond, CA and were associated with a family with a not so pleasant past. They found themselves paying for mistakes they didn't make but rather my brothers, cousins, and uncles made. They were forced to make decisions many wouldn't understand if you did not grow up in that environment. Imagine seeing your mother held at gun point, or being placed in hand cuffs in a house raid before your were 10 years old. I had gone through all of it and witnessed it all first hand and wanted so desperately to keep them from the life that entices you to "Try to make a dolla out of 15 cents". I scolded my brothers and cousins to keep Frankie's kids safe. I mean this is the uncle that was more like a brother who saw more in me and wanted more for me and would do the same for his children. I felt lost and confused that it seemed no one wanted to protect them from this life. I would hear stories and get calls from the Nene and Only One about getting into trouble and even being shot at and doing the same to protect themselves. I wait for the call when they tell me they are not coming back from the things they have done or have been done to them. Recently they are both serving time for very serious charges and pray that they are set free and are able to one day see what I see in them the handsome sweet, intelligent, giving young men they are and the men their father wanted them to be. I love you always Nene and Only One and you will always be the little boys I man handled when I was 17 years old (remember that? Yeah I thought so sucka).

Trabajando

A Planned Attack

All the recent presidential arguments about a woman's reproductive system has me a bit worried that we can actually revert to a time which access to women specific health care was illegal. The argument to life seems to be the main issue but why defund a program like Planned Parent Hood that has not only provided women education on preventive services but also access to health care that don't only include legal abortions (this is only a minor service they provide) but rather regular check ups and screenings for STI's. While we like to think everyone can afford and has access to a regular doctor but considering our economy is in the dumps and even the middle class has fallen into a depression, health care has become to expensive and far reaching for many. Women's bodies are special in the sense we can re-produce life and also take it by forcing a men to actually crash their car turning their head to catch a glimpse of it. We have to take care of this god given gift and seek professional maintenance. It is shameful that today women are still under attack by conservative groups (mostly men) who feel they have the right to make decisions over issues they are so far removed from. Domestic violence, sexual assault, being treated as 2nd class citizens is still such a major issue all over the world yet we continue to turn a blind eye. Hearing Newt Gingerich and Mitt Romney make comments about being pro-life and supporting his decision even in instances of rape and incest shows how out of touch they are with real issues plaguing women all over the world. At one time I worked in an organization for sexual assault one of the survivors was a young girl who was raped by her father and she bore his child. She was not aware organizations like Planned Parent Hood existed as she was new to the US and abortions where she was from were illegal. She sought our services for on going therapy for this traumatic situation she would have to live with for the rest of her life. I wonder what Newt would say if he ever met her. To deny women access to basic screenings and preventative services would force us back into the dark ages when women did their own home procedures and risked infection and even death. We cannot go back to this time nor can we support groups who seek to take the rights of women away.