We live in a beautiful world.

Yay we do, yay we do. A big trip has started (two weeks ago) we arrived in Karachi Pakistan. The second time around for myself and first for Baby Sophie (I guess we can start calling him Toddler Sophie). As soon as we landed my anxiety started to kick as I pushed my way through the masses of people trying to get my luggage. My "Mother Bear" instinct set in as someone pushed passed me almost hitting Toddler Sophie, I proceeded to yell at her, "Hey can you not see the baby you jerk, have some manners".  She completely ignored me and quickly realized, we are not in America anymore. As we drove home the thick smog cloud hovered over us as I watched small children on the street without much clothing or shoes also stare back with curiosity in their eyes. The first few days I followed Toddler Sophie like a shadow, lurking behind him watching to make sure we wasn't hurting himself or others. I must admit I gave Boo Thang a heck of time since I was having some time adjusting with the pace of things. You see things move slower, even in the hustle and bustle of the most densely populated city in Pakistan, people move slow but at the same time want you to get out of there way (strange). After the week passed my mind became at ease. While there is much poverty and having helpers at everyone's houses is a foreign concept to me, I have come to acknowledge I am not better or worse but rather the same. Interacting with some of the "help" (some people say servants here, I kid you not, totally not acceptable but I am basically keeping mum unless shit gets really out of line) I realize we find comfort in the same things, one being food and the other babies. There is always common ground when you talk about the love of food (generally).  In the meantime of my own first world problem episodes the news in the background plays of children being killed in blasts, child soldiers, abductions and lives being taken in tragic ways while graphic images are displayed to make us "feel" something or rather shock value and ratings. I can't help but hug Toddler Sophie a bit tighter and kiss him a bit longer and on the inside cry for all the other mothers who no longer have that privilege. While I myself grew up in poverty and inner city violence the magnitude of it and in your "faceness" is all to unreal in this part of the world but in actuality, Real. Today the person who comes and cleans my in laws home was hungry and we gave her some leftovers and as I walk in the kitchen I notice her rub her impregnated belly which seemed due to more hunger. I quickly grabbed some frozen nuggets and fried them up and left a plate for her on the counter. I remember as a child feeling hungry and my mother shoplifting some groceries as my brothers and I waited in the car. We waited there a while until the police came to get us and my Granny picked us up. My mother was arrested that day for stealing food for her hungry kids. As an adult I empathize with victims of violence and children being exploited and count my blessings everyday for being given the opportunity to provide for Toddler Sophie and attempt to keep him safe and protected but also understanding life is precious and can be taken away at any moment. While life may seem scary to live at times all we really have are these fleeting moments and interactions with those around us and hope that people in suffering can suffer less and do our small part in this life to make it more beautiful.

Serenity Now!

I have yet again decided to leave my job. I placed in my notice and again somehow got convinced to extend it a month longer. I can't stop being the nice guy, it is really hard to do when your boss is so freaking nice and wants your help. Fudge, I really need to work on being more of an assertive anus. Those guys really know how to get things done and usually have the best parking spots and win at life. In celebration of my impending departure from work Boo Thang and I decided to spend some time together as a family and take Baby Sophie to his first day at the beach (I know we live pretty close and have never taken him, we are assholes). Baby Sophie enjoyed it so much he decided to eat the beach as well, but I don't think he liked the taste of it, mostly because there was probably seagull poop blended in. As we walked along the pier in Santa Cruz we realized we don't have to many moments where we don't feel rushed or need to have to complete some task on our To Do List. These rare moments are often times over shadowed by our own need to do more and achieve more. Why the need to do more or look for more? (Not to be confused w/ wanting to save the world or be the best damn mommy around) This overwhelming pressure to over achieve really has me wanting to give up totally because the idea of doing so much is just exhausting. I can't be a "fashionista' (fuck that word), the best cook, best worker, best wife, best mother all at once. I have to stop living with this idea we can have it all because frankly you selfish jerk you cannot. There has to be a compromise and allow ourselves to fail. And sometimes failure can be a relief that we don't have to take yet another damn project. I really enjoyed this moment of calm and sun shining on my face and thought for just a moment life is so good when allowing yourself to do nothing and letting bird poop get all over you without feeling the need clean it up straight away. Life is good my friend.

A Pop of colour.

I needed to change things up a bit and after months of searching for a duvet I found one I love and doesn't cost a fortune ($40). It's bright, fresh and at least looks clean (Thank you TJ Max).  And after much debate with Boo Thang, I finally gave in and painted the side tables yellow. I reluctantly complimented his style choice and pretty much said it was because of me it turned out nice and it was me who implied the colour which gave him the idea to even suggest it. Thanks Boo Thang.

Life.

Winter is done and spring has come. Life decisions are a constant and choosing the right detergent and shoe polish free bread is all so daunting while in the aisle at Target. My brain weighs the pros and cons and I say "Fuck it, A little shoe polish never hurt anyone right?". I recently joined Instagram and my whole world has been turned upside down by this massive need of self exploitation or just showing off stuff in different hues. I am also guilty of it, mostly of posting Baby Sophie and less booty shots that seem to be all the rage. When did we all suddenly grow an extra super human butt and what is with the obsession with the need to always show it? We might as well walk around backwards as it seems that is what we are really trying to make the first impression with, "Hi this is my ass her name is Lola nice to make your acquaintance". I think I am just bitter since even after birth I seem to be shaped like a 13 year old boy. I guess being on social media does help me keep up with the world otherwise I am out there in the world enjoying life and fresh air and really who has time for that. I have recently been debating to leave work again and instead got a promotion that required more work, YAY for me! I keep trying to screw up but yet keep getting handed more responsibilities. I will continue my attempt at incompetence and in the meantime find what it is I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. I tried cooking, writing, dancing and nothing seems to stick if I am not immediately successful. I guess I am just searching for instant gratification because I can't be bothered to work at being good at something, it takes to much effort. This whole self reflection thing is really getting on my nerves, fuck you conscious! I will continue to enjoy spring, Boo Thang and Baby Sophie and avoid eye contact with strangers and also work on figuring out what makes me happy but keeping in mind BILLS, BILLS, BILLS. Beyonce can you pay mine?

 (Also RIP Ultimate Warrior. I will forever miss your flamboyant neon briefs and semi Native American face paint.)

 

BAMA!

So Boo Thang has decided to keep the momentum going and has asked me out again. I got the call back. He surprised me with a dinner date at home. Baby Sophie was invited this time and wore his Sunday's best, bow tie and all.  I was greeted with dinner in our backyard. Table set with beautiful DYI napkins, (baby's burp cloth- I have a feeling Boo Thang thinks they are one in the same) orange roses, printed menu's with typos and balloons.  This was a wonderful surprise to have such a great moment with the Boo Thang, screaming Baby Sophie and all.  I enjoyed the attention to detail and while the meal was definitely store bought and warmed up at home pretending to be home made I still enjoyed every bite.  Thanks Boo Thang you complete me. On another note Baby Sophie has been quite the rebel lately and also great at playing both sides.  He decided he was not going to waste his time calling out for each of us separately but combine our names in one, BAMA (Baba and Mama).  Now a days all I hear is BAMA this and BAMA that, BAMA! He does not like to be ignored and when this occurs he runs to my beautifully painted bright green chest of drawers and bites, kicks, scratches and pulls the drawers out as he looks at me to challenge him. He also get a kick out of dropping to the floor and planking himself accross it. I have a wonderful time chasing him around the living room getting him to stop as he laughs and taunts me (Damn you Baby Sophie, Damn You!) I have no doubt in my mind he knows how proud I am of my chest of drawers that a personally painted and goes after the one thing I love. Boo Thang seems to be Baby Sophie's favorite person at the moment and shuns me every opportunity he gets, dismisses me with a sway of his hands. I plan on getting him back. I am waiting till he comes asking me for milk or Teta (Mexican slang for bottle and depending on what part of Latin America your family is from varies, Tete, Teta, etc.). Get ready Baby Sophie because it is on. Game time sucka emcee.
 

 

 

Date Night.

Another year has passed and Baby Sophie has become an official person with wants and needs and grunts have turned into full fledged tantrums (I cannot wait till he can understand that mama don't play that).  Boo Thang and I are trying to remind ourselves that we are people outside of Baby Sophie and have decided to date again. First date went pretty smoothly. We went out for sushi and throughout dinner gazed into each other's eyes and laughed at jokes that weren't funny, didn't tell each other when we had something stuck in our teeth, and I twisted my hair a lot with my fingers, typical dating stuff. Boo Thang paid the bill like a gentleman (unlike the first time where we actually shared  dish, such a cheap-o).We grabbed some hot tea after and talked about our hopes and dreams, which we hadn't spoke of in sometime. We revealed new feelings we hadn't shared yet and a sense of excitement and butterflies all came back. We walked in the cold night holding each other's hands for warmth and I even allowed for kiss from my handsome suitor (I'm such a cheap date).  It was a perfect night and just the 2 hour break we needed. We even made plans to do it again. I am still waiting for the call for the second date. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed him so soon. I will just wait by the phone for the call. I am pretty sure he will call, right?

Baby Sophie's New Start.

Baby Sophie has officially started Daycare. After some failed attempts of working and attempting to also take care of Baby Sophie at the same time I turned into a crazed maniac and everything became a blur.  It is a difficult decision to allow and trust a stranger to not only take care of your child but also bond with them during the time you wish you could. Not so many of us are lucky enough to even have this option or think about how it affects us. We are to busy with work, running household errands, cooking, cleaning, worrying about your other screwed up family to think straight. The women in my family always worked and many of them worked and took care of children with the absence of any father figure and this was the norm for me. I never really thought to ask how it affected them. But I see the hardships my grandmother endured for me and the work that never seemed to end for her. I know she wanted to spend more time with us but the time she did I cherished and savored. When I envisioned becoming a mother I saw myself doing it all, taking care of them and changing all pooped filled diapers but the reality sets in and the bills have to be payed somehow and you also want to use that degree you worked so hard for. But there is also this sense of self guilt not only you feel but seems others want to highlight that a mother should have when they have to work (Or maybe this could be how I am perceiving the questions that are being asked but in reality people are just being honest and curious). As a parent you naturally become defensive and protective when it seems someone may be questioning your ability to parent. I definitely need to work on the over protective thing, I pretty much threatened a 4 year old on the playground the other day because he was trying to pick on Baby Sophie. I basically told him I was going to f-him up. Boo Thang also made an important point the other day which I never really considered how he felt as a father. I was to consumed with my own feelings. He mentioned he also wants to be there with Baby Sophie, changing diapers and not missing any of it. It's not only the mother that feels this alone but a father as well. I want so much to give Baby Sophie what I didn't have as a child and not just things but a real sense of love, acceptance, and peace. Not to worry if someone might shoot in your window, rob your granny while she cleaned the motel rooms, beat a prostitute in front of you, or watch your mom get arrested for the 20th time. I don't think there is a right or what is wrong in this situation, it has to be what works for you and your family. I do know Baby Sophie is my world and I just want to protect him and watch him grow up to have compassion and respect for life and others, but for now he is just kicking, screaming and putting anything on the ground in his mouth. Mama and Baba love you para siempre.